I recently had dinner with a group of old friends I hadn't seen in a while. When I made the announcement that I'd purchased a bikini, mouths hung open and silence reigned supreme. You see, I have not long been a bikini kind of girl. More of a crying in the changing rooms at how disgusting I look in a one-piece type. But recently things have changed a bit.
In my teenage years I've been at both ends of the weight spectrum, both overweight and unhealthy and very underweight and far more unhealthy. So I feel I am a somewhat qualified authority to say that being skinnier did not make me happier. Right now I weigh 11 kg (25 lbs) more than I was this time last year, and I have never been as happy with myself and the world around me. A lot of the credit for this paradigm shift, from counting every calorie meticulously to happily gorging myself upon Scrumpy and onion dip on a regular basis, goes to my boyfriend Logan. He has helped me to accept that I am not a disgusting person because I have some fat on my bones, that a woman who
doesn't look like a pre-pubescent child
is sexy, and has introduced me to some amazing foods and changed my eating habits for the better. He has helped me to realise that size and shape has no relation to being attracted to somebody, and doesn't change what kind of person I am.
I am so grateful for him and for finally being able to accept my body and my face, because hating yourself and being ashamed of how you look is crap. It permeates every aspect of your life and affects every choice you make, making it impossible to focus on working hard or doing well at school or even maintaining good relationships. Instead of being ashamed of my body, I am now ashamed of spending so much time obsessing and standing on the scales and feeling terrible. Because I am not a disgusting person, nor am I inferior to somebody who weighs less than me. I am still not completely happy with my body, and there will always be a tiny part of me that wants to lose weight, but I am going to continue muffling that voice with the sweet insulation of camembert cheese. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of how many peoples lives are dictated by outdated and unrealistic body image standards. I know 8 year-old girls who think they are 'fat'. I recently read an article in a magazine that informed me
not everyone has a bikini body. What? Who says? That is so wrong, it's sad, it's terrifying.
I no longer give Cosmo and Dolly and Vogue permission to make me feel like a fucking piece of shit because I am not a size nothing. I have never worn makeup and I'm not sure when I'll start- nobody's opinion of me as a person is going to change if I cover up my freckles and undereye circles and whatever else is supposed to make me 'ugly'. I no longer feel ashamed of wearing a short skirt- nor a bikini. Its debut outing was at Christie's 16th birthday/pool party, and I was by no means the skinniest girl there. And what of it? I still looked great, regardless of my weight. I will judge you, a lot, if you dare judge me or anybody else or pass comment on their weight. It's pathetic and childish and can you actually not think of a better insult than 'she's so fat?' There are way too many horrible things going on in the world, let's try to put messed up body image to the side.
(Photo by Mitchell. Vintage bikini, Zara cardi and UO sunglasses.)I know it might be scary and foreign to some people that a swimming costume that shows two inches of my torso be so anguishing for me. I'm just not going to feel like shit about myself anymore.
So there.
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